The Leadership Trap: When Being “Strong” Turns Into Self-Destruction
The Hidden Cost of Always Being “Okay” as a Pastor
Most pastors don’t realize it’s happening.
You start off passionate, excited, ready to serve.
But slowly, the pressure builds.
✔️ You’re expected to have answers, even when you’re struggling with your own questions.
✔️ You’re expected to be steady, even when everything in your life feels unstable.
✔️ You’re expected to lead people into hope, even when you feel like you’re running on empty.
And so, you do what every good leader does: You push through.
You keep showing up.
You keep preaching.
You keep pretending you’re okay.
Until one day, you wake up and realize, you don’t even recognize yourself anymore.
Because the expectation to always be “okay” isn’t just exhausting — it’s destructive.
Let’s talk about it.
Why Do Pastors Feel Like They Have to Be “On” All the Time?
Most pastors don’t choose to perform.
They feel like they have to.
And when you dig deeper, it usually comes back to three things:
1️⃣ People Have Built Their Faith on Your Strength, And You Know It
Let’s be honest: People expect pastors to be strong.
They come to you when their faith is shaky.
They look to you when they need encouragement.
They trust you to lead them with confidence.
And you want to be that for them.
But over time, an unspoken pressure starts to build:
“If I admit I’m struggling, will that shake their faith?”
“If I step back, will people start questioning God?”
“If I don’t have all the answers, will they feel lost?”
And suddenly, your personal struggles aren’t just your struggles anymore.
They feel like a threat to the people you lead.
So instead of processing what you’re going through, you bury it.
Because you’ve convinced yourself that people’s faith depends on your ability to hold it together.
But here’s the truth:
Their faith is supposed to be built on Christ, not you.
And when pastors feel like they can’t show weakness, they unknowingly create a culture where:
❌ Struggles are seen as failure.
❌ Honesty is seen as a liability.
❌ Performance replaces true spiritual growth.
And that’s dangerous for you and for them.
2️⃣ You’ve Been Taught That Struggling = Weakness
Where did we get the idea that strong leaders never struggle?
Because it’s not from Scripture.
The greatest leaders in the Bible were open about their weaknesses:
📖 Moses: “I cannot carry all these people by myself. They are too much for me.” (Numbers 11:14 CSB)
📖 David: “Why, my soul, are you so dejected? Why are you in such turmoil?” (Psalm 42:5 CSB)
📖 Paul: “We were completely overwhelmed—beyond our strength—so that we even despaired of life itself.” (2 Corinthians 1:8 CSB)
But modern ministry culture?
It teaches pastors that struggling is a sign of weakness.
So instead of admitting exhaustion, we push harder.
Instead of asking for help, we pretend we don’t need it.
Instead of acknowledging our limits, we spiritualize overwork.
And the result?
🚨 Pastors are burning out at alarming rates.
🚨 Many are silently suffering from depression and anxiety.
🚨 Some are walking away from ministry altogether.
Not because they lost their calling.
Not because they lost their passion.
But because they never gave themselves permission to be human.
3️⃣ You’ve Confused Your Role With Your Identity
Here’s where it gets personal.
Many pastors don’t just struggle with the pressure to perform.
They struggle with who they are outside of ministry.
Because when your entire life is built around preaching, leading, serving, and caring for others…
What happens when you suddenly need care yourself?
🚨 You feel like you’ve failed.
🚨 You don’t know who you are outside of your title.
🚨 You assume stepping back = losing purpose.
And that’s terrifying.
So instead of admitting you’re exhausted, you tell yourself:
✔ “I just need to push through this season.”
✔ “I’ll take care of myself later.”
✔ “The church needs me too much for me to step back.”
But here’s the truth, Pastor:
You are not your role.
📖 “You did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear. Instead, you received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry out, ‘Abba, Father!’” (Romans 8:15 CSB)
You are a child of God before you are a pastor.
You are loved even when you aren’t leading.
You are valuable even when you aren’t producing.
And if you don’t start separating your identity from your work, you will eventually work yourself into the ground.
Breaking Free from the Pressure to Always Be “Okay”
So how do you break free from this never-ending pressure to be “on” all the time?
Here are three things you need to do today.
1️⃣ Give Yourself Permission to Struggle
You don’t have to pretend anymore.
If you’re exhausted, admit it.
If you’re discouraged, acknowledge it.
If you’re struggling spiritually, bring it to God instead of burying it.
📖 “The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18 CSB)
Healing starts with honesty.
2️⃣ Stop Carrying What Only God Can Handle
🚨 Newsflash: The church does not depend on you.
📖 “I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overpower it.” (Matthew 16:18 CSB)
Your job is to shepherd, not to hold everything together.
The weight of ministry was never yours to carry alone.
3️⃣ Find Real Support
If you don’t have people in your life who know how you’re really doing, you need to change that.
🚨 Pastors need pastors too.
🚨 Leaders need people who pour into them.
🚨 You need relationships where you don’t have to be “on.”
📖 “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12 CSB)
Who do you have in your life that you can be fully honest with?
If the answer is no one, it’s time to change that.
Final Thought: Pastor, You Don’t Have to Pretend Anymore
You don’t have to keep carrying this alone.
You don’t have to fake strength to be a good leader.
You don’t have to pretend you’re okay when you’re not.
Because true strength isn’t pretending it’s being honest when you need help.
So what’s your next step?
Are you going to keep holding it all in?
Or are you finally ready to be fully known, fully seen, and fully supported?
The choice is yours.